I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
