you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
