I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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