I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize