It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
