God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
