My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just forgot I was standing up.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
