I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
