you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
