Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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