im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
