sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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