Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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