If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
