Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
