wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
