I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
