I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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