Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
