things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
