After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
