i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
