Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
