sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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