i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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