so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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