I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
