I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
