I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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