Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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