I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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