Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
