his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
