One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
