got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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