found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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