I need help removing her.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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