it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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