Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
