You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
