I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
