nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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