she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i will never coherently bang her
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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