Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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