I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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