so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
