We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize