Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Please don't give away my fajitas
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