Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
