just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
