I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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