i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize