You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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