Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
