Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it was like eating out sand paper
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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